Imagine: You’ve just finished an exam that didn’t go very well. You walk out of the classroom and take a seat on a nearby bench to collect your thoughts. Your thoughts are racing, your heart is pounding, and your chest feels tight. You try to focus on engaging in a breathing routine to help slow yourself down. During this time, your friend comes over and asks, “What’s wrong?” You tell your friend you are feeling anxious, and their response is a flood of questions:
“You’re anxious about the exam, aren’t you?”
“How many questions do you think you got wrong?”
“Do you think you will have to retake the exam?”
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
Even though your friend means well, their questions only seem to add to the overwhelm, and find yourself having trouble coming up with answers.
In moments of intense anxiety, the brain slips into “survival mode”. Processing questions, especially ones that involve decision-making, suddenly feels exhausting and becomes a very demanding task. What helps most in these moments isn’t interrogation – it is less-demanding interactions, such as a calm presence, sitting next to the anxious person, removing materials that could be over-stimulating (e.g., holding onto your friend’s heavy backpack), or handing them a drink of water.
If questions feel necessary, keep them simple and low-demand. For instance, offering a clear choice is often easier to process than an open-ending question:
Instead of “Is there anything I can do to help?”
Try, “I can sit with you here, or we could step outside and get some fresh air.”
Once the wave of anxiety passes, there might be more clarity for conversation. In the middle of the intense feeling, however, comfort is found through patience, a calm presence, and understanding.