Most of our relationships are accompanied by some sort of societal script or roadmap. We often navigate our romantic relationships, for example, with certain expectations or assumptions in mind:
“Of course, my boyfriend should send me a good morning text.”
“Of course, my partner should tell me if there is something that I’m doing that bothers them.”
“Of course, if my girlfriend doesn’t want to be with me anymore, she should tell me and break up with me.”
But when it comes to our friendships, the guidelines often become blurry; especially when it comes to their endings.
Friendship Intimacy
Friendships can come with intense levels of intimacy. Friends are sometimes there for the biggest moments in our lives: birthdays, graduations, births, and losses. A close friend can help you feel understood and supported in ways that sometimes not even your family or romantic partner can, and for this reason, we often see our best friends as people who will be in our lives forever. But as is true with our romantic relationships, sometimes people grow apart.
The Confusion of Growing Apart
When we enter into a romantic relationship, though it can be scary, there is typically an understanding that if the relationship does not feel right at any point, it will end. When it comes to friendships, however, many people feel confused about what to do when things start feeling different:
“How is it possible that this person who used to be my lifeline is someone I no longer feel connected to?”
“Why is it that we used to always have the same thoughts, but now they are saying things I don’t agree with?”
“Why is my best friend suddenly acting different and distant?”
The truth is, no one stays the same for their entire life, and that is not a bad thing. But it can sometimes feel that way when it means losing connections, even if these losses are necessary for your growth.
Grieving a Friendship Breakup
When a friendship ends, it is completely normal to feel the weight of the loss. Whether you are the one walking away, you are the one being left behind, or it was just something completely out of anyone’s control, feeling intense grief after the end of a friendship is incredibly normal. It often feels like your entire reality has shifted.
There are many harmful beliefs around these breakups. As we discussed here, since the end of friendships is often not something that people see as necessary or normal, you may feel a weight that makes you wonder what is wrong with you. You may feel embarrassed for losing a friend or embarrassed for mourning it so deeply. But the truth is, it is normal to have friends who fit in a certain phase of your life and do not fit in the next. Friendship breakups are a part of life, and many people feel that their friendship breakups have been even more challenging than their romantic relationship breakups.
It is okay to feel sad, hurt, regretful, or confused. It is healthy to reach out for support and process the loss in a big way. And, it’s important to understand that the end of a friendship, more often than not, just means you and this person no longer align. Allowing yourself to mourn the loss is important, but so is knowing that you are still worthy of meaningful friendships.