While the holidays can be a special time full of love and connection, this is a time that can also serve as a reminder of challenging family dynamics. You may find yourself having to engage with family members you otherwise try to avoid, or you may find yourself feeling lonely or guilty as you spend the holidays away from family. Regardless of the reason why, these can be some of the most challenging days of the year.
When Family Time is Hard
Though families are often thought of as being comforting and loving, this is not always the case. You may be someone who has experienced hurt from a family member, has experienced intense conflict with a family member, or possibly just feels out of place around your family. For these reasons, you may be someone who does not spend much time around your family at all or unless there is a special occasion. Regardless of how often you typically see your family, it can be challenging to spend this time with them, given that there is so much pressure associated with it (gift giving, cards, family photos, long conversations around the dinner table).
If you are someone that feels it is important you show up regardless of the challenges, taking small moments to care for yourself can sometimes make a difference:
- Take a quiet moment in the washroom to take deep breaths.
- Offer to go pick something up from the store to have some time to yourself.
- Try to excuse yourself if a conversation is causing you to have an emotional reaction.
- Take a moment to text or call someone you trust.
- If it feels like what you need, go home when you can (you don’t need to stay all night!)
And when you are able to leave the space, do something to take care of yourself (listen to music, take a bath, journal, watch a comfort show).
The Challenge of Taking Space
It can be difficult to manage family responsibility, and the way anyone is able to handle these challenges truly varies from situation to situation. Sometimes, skipping the family gathering is the best or only option for you; however, this comes with its own challenges.
If you do not feel comfortable being with your family around the holidays, this can come with painful feelings of guilt, loneliness and grief.
Even if your reason for taking space feels right to you, that does not mean that this will not come with misplaced guilt. You may feel guilty that your absence will upset your family members, and this can feel overwhelming. Taking time to provide yourself with comfort and validation during these times is incredibly important – Remind yourself of your reasons for taking space; chances are, if you felt like you could be there, you would be.
Being away from your family during the holidays can also feel extremely lonely. Finding other loved ones to spend this time with can be a wonderful way to manage this, but if you do not feel comfortable spending this time with anyone else or do not have someone else to turn to, being alone can come with really difficult emotions. Listen to what you need during this time: is it helpful to engage in festive activities on your own, or avoid the holiday season altogether? Everyone is different, and it is important to figure out what feels best to you.
Grieving What Could Have Been
Regardless of whether you spend the holidays with your family or not, the presence of challenging family dynamics can feel heavy around the holidays. This season can serve as a reminder of what we do not have, and what we wish we did. It’s easy to imagine a healthy and happy family sitting around and celebrating during this time and feel like you are mourning something.
Be gentle with your heart, and reach out for support when you need it. If you are finding your feelings to be too overwhelming, counselling can provide you with a safe space to process. I would be honoured to help you carry the weight of your grief as you navigate the holiday season.