Perfectionism: What Is It and Why Does It Show Up?

16 Jan 2025

Nicola Spencer

nicola.spencer@strongcounselling.com

At its core, perfectionism is the relentless desire to meet impossibly high standards—often self-imposed—that can sometimes feel motivating… and sometimes feel like a heavy burden. It’s not just about wanting to do your best; it’s about feeling like anything less than perfect equals failure. Oof.

I’ve personally struggled with perfectionism for as long as I can remember. Growing up I remember priding myself on being called “a perfectionist”. In adulthood, I’m still working to understand its origins & why it’s so important to strive for perfection. For me, it shows up in academics (straight-A or bust), my personal aesthetics (always put together), maintaining a spotless space, and even in my relationships (always trying to be the “perfect” partner or friend). Over time, perfectionism can start to feel like a major source of identity. If I’m not striving for perfection, then who am I?

This is what makes it so hard to challenge—because recognizing it as a maladaptive pattern feels scary. (Maladaptive, meaning a behaviour or belief that might have once felt helpful but is now holding you back or causing harm.) If perfectionism is part of what defines you, the thought of letting it go can feel like losing a piece of yourself.

Perfectionism can sneak into just about every part of our lives:

  • Career goals or school performance
  • Relationships—romantic, platonic, familial
  • Parenting (hello, “perfect mom” pressure)
  • Personal achievements, like fitness, hobbies, or self-image

For many, perfectionism isn’t just striving for success; it’s avoiding feelings of shame, inadequacy, or rejection.

Why Does Perfectionism Show Up?

Perfectionism doesn’t come out of nowhere. It often develops as a mix of internal and external factors:

  • Early Messages: Growing up in environments where achievement was highly praised (or failure harshly criticized) can leave us equating worth with performance.
  • Societal Pressures: Western culture celebrates hustle culture and productivity—often at the expense of well-being. Social media? Don’t even get me started. Highlight reels create impossible comparisons.
  • Fear of Judgment or Rejection: The need to be perfect is sometimes a defence mechanism to avoid criticism, disapproval, or feeling like we don’t belong.

For some, perfectionism feels like a survival strategy, helping them feel in control or worthy. For others, it may be tied to anxiety, a need to avoid vulnerability, or even past experiences where “good enough” wasn’t good enough.

How Perfectionism Might Show Up in Your Life

Here’s the kicker—perfectionism can look different for everyone.

  1. Procrastination: This one might not make sense right away.. But the fear of failure that perfectionism creates can actually keep you stuck or frozen. We might tell ourselves, “If I can’t do it perfectly, I might as well not do it at all.”
  2. Overworking and Burnout: Endless hours to “prove” yourself or meet sky-high standards. Ever spent way too much time on a project, trying to get every last detail “perfect”??
  3. Self-Criticism: A harsh inner dialogue that questions your worth at every turn. Never letting go of ways that you could have improved or done things “better”.
  4. Never Feeling Satisfied: Even when you achieve your goals, it still doesn’t feel like enough. That’s the thing about perfectionism, it tells us that the goal post is always moving – even when you reach your initial goal, we think we need to strive for even more.

And let’s not forget how perfectionism impacts relationships: the fear of letting others see our “imperfections” can hold us back from being real, vulnerable, or fully connected.

What Does This Mean for You?

Living with perfectionism can feel like carrying a backpack of bricks—you’re constantly trying to prove yourself, all while fearing you’re falling short. Over time, this can lead to:

  • Anxiety and depression
  • Burnout and physical exhaustion
  • Struggles with self-worth and identity
  • Disconnection in relationships

But here’s the good news: perfectionism doesn’t have to be permanent.

How Therapy Can Help

Therapy can help you:

  • Understand Your Perfectionism: Explore where it comes from and why it shows up in your life.
  • Challenge Unhelpful Beliefs: Perfection doesn’t equal worth. Therapy helps you unlearn that narrative.
  • Build Self-Compassion: Learn how to treat yourself with the same kindness you show others.
  • Set Realistic Standards: You can still aim high—without exhausting yourself or tying your worth to the outcome.

Perfectionism might feel like it’s protecting you, but it often limits you. Therapy is a space to explore what happens when you let go of “perfect” and embrace being human—messy, real, and enough.

I’ll be exploring the topic of perfectionism in more detail in future blog posts. If you see yourself in this & want help, reach out to me at Strong Counselling, as I love supporting clients in this work. I am also planning to host a Perfectionist Support Group in the new year, so keep on the lookout for that!


Ready to lighten the load of perfectionism? Reach out to Strong Counselling to book a consultation and start discovering the freedom in good enough.

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