We all have an inner voice that tells us what we should be doing. I don’t know about you, but I often go through periods of time when mine just feels SO loud. It often says things like:
You should be more productive.
You should be a better partner, parent, friend, therapist.
You should be further along in your career.
You should know what you want from life.
You should be more successful.
That word—should—sneaks into our self-talk and can end up driving our choices, habits, and even our sense of self-worth. But here’s the thing: most of these “shoulds” aren’t really ours to begin with. They come from culture, family, education, social media – all the external influences we’ve been absorbing since we were little.
Where Do Our “Shoulds” Come From?
If you pause for a moment and really examine a few of your recurring “should” thoughts, you might notice that they often reflect someone else’s values, not your own. Maybe it’s a parent’s expectation, a teacher’s belief, a cultural norm, or a societal message about what a “successful” or “attractive” or “worthy” person looks like.
In therapy, a common thread I see is that people feel disconnected from themselves because they’re living by someone else’s script, prioritizing someone else’s values. They’re doing what they think they’re supposed to do—but feeling anxious, unfulfilled, or resentful in the process.
What Happens When We Live in “Should Mode”? Nicola Spencer
Living in “should mode” can look like:
- Saying yes to things you don’t want to do out of guilt or obligation
- Pursuing goals that don’t actually excite you
- Burning out because rest feels like laziness
- Feeling constant pressure to do more, be more, achieve more
The result? We lose touch with our own voice. We stop trusting ourselves to know what we want, what we need, and what actually matters to us.
Breaking Free: From “Should” to “Want”
What if we could shift the question from “What should I do?” to “What do I want or need right now?” That small change can have a big impact. It invites self-inquiry, clarity, and intentional decision-making.
Here are a few ways to start challenging your “shoulds”:
Pause and Reflect – Next time a “should” thought comes up, ask yourself: Where is this coming from? Whose voice is this really? Is this something I actually value?
Practice Self-Compassion – You’re not a failure for not doing all the things. You’re human. Life is complex. Speak to yourself the way you would to someone you love.
Reconnect with Your Values – What matters most to you? What kind of life are you trying to build? Let your values (not guilt or pressure) guide your choices.
Try “Want” Language Instead – Replace “I should go to the gym” with “I want to move my body in a way that feels good.” See what shifts.
Living Life on Your Own Terms
Breaking free from the “shoulds” isn’t about ignoring responsibilities or never doing hard things. It’s about creating space to live more intentionally, to act from alignment instead of obligation.
If you’ve been feeling stuck in the “shoulds,” therapy can be a great place to explore where those voices came from, how they’re impacting you, and what it could look like to live life on your own terms. Reach out for a consult—I’d love to support you in that journey.