Need to bring up a tough conversation with your partner? Here’s my Biggest Tip: The Convo Before the Fight
If you didn’t know this about me, I am obsessed with intimate relationships of all shapes, sizes, & structures… So much so that I’m writing my master’s thesis on conflict resolution in intimate relationships!
I have a strong belief that relationships are at the core of who we are as humans & that our relationships play such a significant role in our lives – From our health, to life satisfaction, sense of community & belonging, & joy… Among many others.
I could talk about relationships ALL DAY! I’m constantly curious about how people show up in their relationships, especially in their most intimate & romantic partnerships. Things like:
- How we create lives together
- How we change inside relationships
- What makes relationships last
- What we can do to keep intimacy & connection alive
But as I’m sure you know, no relationship is perfect. In fact, conflict in relationships is inevitable. Couples will fight. It’s inevitable. But how we fight with our partner(s) can make a huge difference in the outcome.
So I wanted to share a gem that I’ve discovered through my own experience, in my research & in the therapy space, so that you & your partner navigate tough topics with more ease… Maybe even helping you minimize or avoid conflict!
It’s simple – Before getting into a conversation about a tough topic… Talk about HOW you want to have that conversation.
Here’s what I mean…
From my research, it appears that some of the most common sources of conflict stem from conversations around:
- Sex & intimacy
- Money, spending or finances
- Parenting
- Family involvement
- Decision-making
- Roles, responsibilities & expectations
… just to name a few
These are subjects that collectively, we’re not the best at having. Also, I’d bet you’ve experienced some discomfort talking about at least one of these.
It’s normal to struggle with these topics because for most folks, we were never taught how to talk about the hard stuff – We never learned these skills! So of course it feels uncomfortable, scary, maybe even impossible to get into these topics without starting a fight.
Here’s how to have better conversations about tough subjects!
→ Have a conversation about the subject, before you get into it… Before it starts a fight
Rather than diving right into the topic & trying to share all your needs, air all your grievances, & put it all out there just to get it out of the way (which usually ends in someone getting hurt, frustrated, or feeling even more disconnected than before).
Start by discussing how each of you prefer to have conversations about the subject at hand.
For example, let’s say you want to talk to your partner about your sex life (i.e. your wants, needs, desires, fantasies, frequency of sex, etc…)
If this is a new topic for you, here’s some things you might include in this initial conversation:
What do you & your partner each need to feel as safe & grounded as possible during the conversation?
- Do you need a cold drink to hold?
- Do you find it easier to walk & talk so you don’t have to be sitting facing one another?
- Do you need a “safe word” to call a pause in case you get too upset to continue?
- Maybe there are specific boundaries you want in place?
- Is there something your partner could do to provide reassurance?
- Would you feel more comfortable to be touching (maybe holding hands, legs or knees touching, etc)?
When & where do you find it easiest to talk about sex (your wants, needs, desires, boundaries)?
- Maybe it’s first thing in the morning, snuggling in bed with coffee (my personal fave)
- Right after sex as a way to recap & share your experiences
- After work while you share a meal at home
- On the weekend when you both have more free time
- Out of the house & in nature
- In a public place
- In small doses throughout the week
When you’ve talked about your sex life & intimacy in the past, how did it go?
- What has worked well?
- What have you found most challenging?
- What are things you can both agree to do differently this time?
- Are there fears you feel comfortable sharing with your partner? (i.e. it’s common to have a fear of judgment about our personal desires or fantasies) – How could your partner help to ease this fear?
What do you notice in your body when you talk about sex with your partner(s)?
- Increased heart rate
- Pressure in your chest
- Tightness in your stomach
- Sweaty palms
- Tension in your arms or hands
- Shallow breathing
*It’s okay not to know! But it might be helpful to pay attention as you ease into the conversation & share your experience with your partner so you both know what to look for if you are getting activated & things escalating
I know firsthand that having tough conversations (such as talking about sex) can feel so vulnerable!!
To ease this tension, I highly recommend having some conversations about what you & your partner need in these situations BEFORE you dive into the deep end.
By having these initial conversations you not only reduce the nerves about approaching the tough subjects, but create a safe & loving environment for the main conversation that can ease the discomfort and provide so much more support & mutual understanding of each others’ experience – so you & your partner can reduce the possibility of conflict & hurt & bravely step into the tough conversations as a team.
So if you want a different outcome for your next tough conversations, give this a try!
PS – I’ll be working with couples in the new year… So if you & your person are seeking some support with conflict, sex & intimacy, balancing hectic schedules, wanting to feel like partners & not just roommates… stay tuned!
For now, if you are seeking support with the intimate relationships in your life, my books are open – Feel free to book a 15min Consult & let’s chat! https://strongcounselling.com/team-member/nicola-spencer/